livestage | UNHOLY DISORDER

UNHOLY DISORDER

[Something is wrong with the room you are in.

At first blush, it seems normal enough. It's nicely furnished, lavish dark oak, brass and a rich green drapery and carpet. Except in the middle of the room, a simple glass box sits wrapped in chains. Inside, a heart rocks back and forth as it beats, chambers constricting and relaxing around air.

But the more you look around, you might notice that the rafters beyond the brass lamps are made of bone, spine connecting them all. You might notice that the binding on all of the books seems to be an unusual leather. You might notice that teeth have been used as nails.

You almost can't help but notice the strange ... give... under your feet. Whatever is under the carpet seems almost spongy.

You know, instinctively, that the heart is in danger.

But so are you.]

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[ Takes a breath.

Nods. He tries to still himself, it does not work. ]

[ carefully, gently, slowly, takes one of Phoneix's hands and places it palm-first, flat against Heron's own chest. He breathes nice and steady, slow but not too slow, calm and easy to follow. ]

In and out, in and out, like that. Just follow the rhythm, you can do it.

I'm going to try something else, okay? Just - trust me, and keep focusing on your breathing, and it should help quiet things down.

[ first of all, he will let himself focus on that tingling feeling, that ticklish, light presence that he instinctively knows is a Blessing brushing against him, and... carefully, pull on his own Blessing to snuff it out, to muffle it like a blanket dropping over a bird cage. Normally, he'd stop at turning off how it affects him - normally, he can't do anything else, but. But Phoenix is on the edge of panic and Forte is in pain and something is up, so he stretches the blanket out, frowning in concentration, pushing his limits to make everything quiet for Phoenix's Blessing. Ideally, silent, but at least quieter. ]

[ Here's the thing: Phoenix has never known true silence in his entire life (in either life). And breathing does help, a quiet sensitive thing.

He can still feel it - he can still hear them so much louder than anyway possible -

And he breathes slow, steady. And right along.

And then the world goes quiet for once and he gives a small quiet gasp, like a sense has been turned off that he's never quite figured out. ]

[ keeps breathing, slow and steady, reassuring. present. ]

That's it, there you go. Just breathe, nice and easy. It's okay, it's me, you're okay.

[ but is Heron okay, ]

[It works. Gentling. Quiet.

Ah, but you. The anxiety and pain seemed to need to go somewhere. Your skin sweats and goes pale, you shudder unconsciously, sick and throbbing. Blood pours from your nose, wells up in your tear ducts and down your face.]

[ cool cool cool cool cool cool this is fine this is so fine he's fine fine fine no he is not

but he has to be. he has to focus. focus the fuck up, Heron. Disorder needs him, they can't all be panicking and passing out and bleeding out on the floor oh that is so much blood he can taste it, feel it gushing hot and free, see it why can he see it - it's fine. it hurts but that's fine it's fine it's better that it hurts him than Phoenix, who is just a kid, who was on the edge of breaking. Heron won't break. he won't won't won't he refuses to it's just pain pain so much pain and the blood and anxiety - oh, he was already anxious and it's overflowing, his heart rabbiting in his chest but it's okay. he knows how to breathe, when his mouth and nose aren't full of blood at least, breathe, breathe and focus, Phoenix is just a kid and Heron is -

Heron is -

- spitting out blood and shuddering, hunching over with a pained noise right in front of Phoenix, clutching his hand against his chest - ]

Hkk, ahh... nng.

[ - Heron is fine. He's fine with this. Better him than anyone else. He can take it, can shove the pain and anxiety down, down, down, like his - like he's taught himself. lock it up in a box and spin the locks, two, four, eight. breathe.

He slaps his free hand on the ground and raises his head. ]

- Good. Great. That's great. Doing better?

[ WHAT THE FUCK ARE TIMELINES WE DON'T KNOW IT WE'RE ONLY HERE FOR THE SPICE TBH. ]

[ Which is to say, Heron blissfully turns everything off - Forte who he hears almost as clearly as Dove most days. Maybe not as clearly as Gingham's become, but so so loud. He turns off the screaming that's consumed him - literally, almost. It's quiet. He's not getting those spike of thoughts with those feelings. ]

[ And he can't linger on how strange it is or the sensation of loss, because as suddenly as he looks up - Phoenix has been intune with people for so long that he doesn't need the other knowledge to see something wrong. He doesn't need it as he breaks a little on the inside, swallowing something down. ]

[ Because Heron is not okay. Visibly. The expression the blood and then - He gives a sharp breath. ]

You're not.

[ It's quiet and shaky and not entirely solid as he tries to figure out what to do. The only panic that rises in him is his own and for as crazy as that is - He can compartmentalize. Focuses on a stillness on a desire to do something more,]

You're not. But I am - I can help -

[ And he, unthinkingly, as impulsively as ever when it comes to someone not his own raises a hand that glows a light blue as he tries to focus (a 12/20, so he can but only just) and tries to think to give the words, pausing so the light dimmers down because he asks first (6/20) ]

If - you want me to.

[ Heron's first instinct is to say yes, please, it hurts - of course he'll accept help. He should, he needs it, turning it away would be foolish.

But - and the anxieties latch on, shaking through him as the words stall in his throat, but. That's a Blessing that Phoenix is asking if he can use on him. It was a Blessing that caused Phoenix distress beyond the normal, that went so haywire he was on the edge of a panic attack. It's his own Blessing, now, that isn't working as it should, that is diverting and absorbing the pain pain pain and anxiety and wrongness and making him bleed instead of shutting everything off, a sponge instead of a blanket. What if... what if by accepting Phoenix's help, he makes things worse for them again? He can't risk it.

And, sure, he could explain that to Phoenix as a basis for refusal. He might accept it. The thing is, he might also not - he can see the worry, the urge to help others, the impulse that has Phoenix's hand glowing already even if he paused to ask first. He's practically using it already, he might just decide he doesn't care about the risk in the face of Heron's obvious distress.

So. Game plan. He'll admit his concerns, sure, but he needs extra. He can do extra. It's fine. It's just pain and blood and - and focus.

He coughs thickly, wetly, then smiles, shaky and tasting the blood in his teeth. Shakes his head. ]

No, I - I'm not okay, but it's not as bad as it looks. This just happens when I push myself, but I promise, it - [ pauses, spits blood like he's used to it, wipes his face. keeps smiling. ] - it always looks way gnarly but it'll be fine once I sleep it off. It is a bit more - goretastic than usual? But I think that's because our Blessings are being messed with when we use them. Which is another reason you shouldn't. Please.

[ It's quiet. It's quiet. It's so quiet. ]

[ He decides that's not a good thing. ]

[ Because in a moment like this he'd know. He'd make the decision. He'd be able to tell so easily and for now - he has to trust his instincts. Or the people around him to not lie. ~~Because he's Also Gonna go do something Stupid I guess.~~ The urge is there, the desire. He needs to help and his mouth twitches. ]

[ There's so much blood. He does not believe Heron, but he trusts his wishes (19/20). Closes his eyes tight to keep from looking at him or from letting the tears built up from falling. Then he breathes out. ]

Okay.

[ Because it's all he can muster in his desire to do more. He shrugs off the jacket he's wearing and hands it to him. ] At least use this to help stop it. Please..

[ He pleads back, desperate for anything to do or to fix what he's already broken. ]

[ Well, he's not being entirely dishonest. He really does have problems when he pushes his Blessing too hard, they're just... not this. He's dancing on technicalities and hoping it's enough, and it's not his best subversion but it's the best he can manage under the circumstances.

It's enough, thankfully. He's thankful. He's relieved, that Phoenix at least chooses to trust him and his choices.

That's why he accepts the jacket and nods, accepts Phoenix's wishes to help somehow. Speaking carefully, for the blood still flowing, making everything iron-thick and difficult. ]

Okay. Yeah. Thanks.

[ wipes his face and, you know what, actually he's just going to bury his face in the jacket a minute. this is fine. ]

[ Bites down on his lip and just sits there. Watching, wishing. His thoughts don't swim anymore - but at what cost? ]

[ once he manages to get some composure back and wipe his face - not that it's clean, it can't be clean because the bleeding isn't stopping, but it's better - he looks up at Phoenix again. ]

Hey, Phoenix... can you, uh, not mention to anyone that I can do... this? With Blessings, I mean.

What-

I wouldn't. [ Shakes his head, ] I know what it's like to have a blessing you don't want people to know about.

[ for solidly different reasons ]

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