[ considers for a moment and then when a wave of one hand - electric blue light emitting from it, he pulls the drink away from Goose's reach with magick andddd ]
[ moves to step in front of him to offer his hand instead. ]
I'll give it back, but will you hold my hand for a few moments?
Technically, you said I'd be more likely to replace it than drink it.
[ He says it easily, jokingly, but with a serious edge. The drink moves back to the counter it came from as he takes a breath and moves to grip Goose's hand with his own. ]
[ Fun fact: Boy's broken so his first power was a very small part of his psionics (telekinesis and telepathy). The second part isn't necessarily new, but there's a little from it he adds into with the emotion. ]
[ Which is to say, he invites Goose into his mind - a quiet, still space. Far more of both than the friendly personality people see him as. And there's an undeniable amount of confusion, fear, anger, and regret that tinge the space. Almost all of that is directed inward - At who he is. Who he's supposed to be. What he's supposed to be. Is he real or is he not real? Should he be allowed to exist if it's not the latter? What does it mean for the people around him if he stole someone else's life? ]
[ ( Is he an abomination? ) ]
[ ( Is it worse if he wants to live? If he can't regret it because surviving is important? ) ]
[ ( That he wants to live for himself, not just for others? ) ]
[ ( What of the life if he stole? ) ]
[ ( What of the life taken from him?]
2/3 this might be longer actually who knows i'm sorry
[ These are the thoughts of Billy - the existence of Billy - not Phoenix. Not even William is present. ]
[ No, that's not right, it's muddled. The being that is Billy a more constant figure now, more decidedly alive, but still - ]
I am still alive and I am me.
[ The voice Goose hears is sent - not spoken. A whirling sound of words as he focuses them to him. In a brief instant, Goose may feel something that's like the touch of an ocean. A wave that embraces, because those words are Phoenix's but they were words given to him by the ocean. ]
[ ( He would not lose himself again. He will exist in this moment. ) ]
[ The sensation fades, but the emotions don't - the stillness doesn't. He's quiet, peaceful. And he sorts through something more and offers another moment. ]
[ It's relief and desire. The will to live. The will to be whoever he wants to be. ]
[ ( It's eclipsed by the need to be whoever someone needs him to be, but he's working on that - he promises, that's the sensation that comes over). ]
[ Life in all directions that tugs over the fear, confusion, and grief that feels so compounded. A weight that will live in stomach and on his shoulders every day. It's not quite the same - the feeling of would they want him more than me? but the heavier thought he focuses on is:
Do I have the right to live?
The answer is - a long suffering, a hard-earned - yes. Because it's all a part of him. Billy and William. ]
[ And then, finally - finally, like a water flowing over a waterfall the feelings and emotions find their basin and that basin is - ]
[ Love. ]
[ It's a lot of love for a lot of different people, but he focuses on a singular one: Goose. ]
[ Goose who is terrifying, but earnest. You know you can trust him, because he'll never say something he doesn't mean. That doesn't mean you'll like it and you don't - of course you don't, those parts of him that throw around murder like it's an every day activity. And you know it is, because Goose is earnest. ]
[ Even if you disagree, you still love this part of him. You're still awestruck at someone who can say and do what they mean so freely, when you've twisted yourself into such little knots. Who is William? Billy? Phoenix? Will you even know? Goose is Goose and that's all that matters to him.
Just like Phoenix as Phoenix is all that matters to him. ]
[ There's a pang of loss in knowing Goose had so little - in that he'll accept his fate as a murderer so easily like he won't change. That he wants him to move on, because Goose isn't good for him. ]
[ And maybe he isn't. ]
[ The thought and emotion there is fiercely that - Goose is good. Maybe not in the moral of the word, but there is so much life in him. There is spirit and will and kindness that you've been honored to see, blessed to see. Even if he'll let the rest of the world think of him as a monster. ]
[ He's not a monster. ]
I love you.
[ A quiet reinforcement, earnest and demanding and then added: ]
I don't regret meeting you. I'm so glad you're alive and when all of this is over - finding a home includes you, too. We won't let you rot alone.
[ Phoenix swallows hard as he closes off the space between them. It doesn't do anything to help his own spillage of the effectively double time of emotionshare he used to do this or the quiet anxiety that spikes in the silence that follows. ]
[ Goose pulls his hand away and the boy drops his gaze. He doesn't move away or flinch but wariness invades his bones - ]
[ Until the hand falls to his head and he flinches in surprise. ]
A hug wouldn't have made as much as a mark.
[ He retorts with that same quiet earnestness. Serious inflection in his tone as he repeats: ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Pink drink
[ moves to grab goose by the arm tbh ]
Re: Pink drink
Why the fuck do I feel like a tree.
Re: Pink drink
What?
Re: Pink drink
--you didn't feel it? It felt like I was. Drying up, or withering away. Wilting.
That's not what dying feels like, does it?
Re: Pink drink
I don't know. It's always been different for me -
but it did feel final.
Re: Pink drink
It felt like something, sure.
Well I'm here now, so it all worked out.
Damn, they had a shitty haircut as a kid.
Re: Pink drink
[ said while hugging him screw it!!! ]
[ snorts ]
Better make sure you always have better ones.
Re: Pink drink
Okay, okay, I know, enough of that. Don't act like I'm actually dying!
[TRIES...TO PRY OFF....]
Re: Pink drink
I'm not I'm just hugging you!
[ :c fine he'll stop hugging you ]
Or are you offended I said we loved you?
Re: Pink drink
. . .
Dunno. I just ain't ever felt this way before.
[GRIEF? REGRET? heck. getting another drink.]
Re: Pink drink
[ considers for a moment and then when a wave of one hand - electric blue light emitting from it, he pulls the drink away from Goose's reach with magick andddd ]
[ moves to step in front of him to offer his hand instead. ]
I'll give it back, but will you hold my hand for a few moments?
Re: Pink drink
I told ya you'd try taking one of my drinks later.
[PREDICTION ACCURATE!!! but he huffs, holding out his hand.]
Fine. Why?
1/3 i'm sorry ash
[ He says it easily, jokingly, but with a serious edge. The drink moves back to the counter it came from as he takes a breath and moves to grip Goose's hand with his own. ]
[ Fun fact: Boy's broken so his first power was a very small part of his psionics (telekinesis and telepathy). The second part isn't necessarily new, but there's a little from it he adds into with the emotion. ]
[ Which is to say, he invites Goose into his mind - a quiet, still space. Far more of both than the friendly personality people see him as. And there's an undeniable amount of confusion, fear, anger, and regret that tinge the space. Almost all of that is directed inward - At who he is. Who he's supposed to be. What he's supposed to be. Is he real or is he not real? Should he be allowed to exist if it's not the latter? What does it mean for the people around him if he stole someone else's life? ]
[ ( Is he an abomination? ) ]
[ ( Is it worse if he wants to live? If he can't regret it because surviving is important? ) ]
[ ( That he wants to live for himself, not just for others? ) ]
[ ( What of the life if he stole? ) ]
[ ( What of the life taken from him? ]
2/3 this might be longer actually who knows i'm sorry
[ No, that's not right, it's muddled. The being that is Billy a more constant figure now, more decidedly alive, but still - ]
I am still alive and I am me.
[ The voice Goose hears is sent - not spoken. A whirling sound of words as he focuses them to him. In a brief instant, Goose may feel something that's like the touch of an ocean. A wave that embraces, because those words are Phoenix's but they were words given to him by the ocean. ]
[ ( He would not lose himself again. He will exist in this moment. ) ]
3/4 okay yeah idk what im doing
[ It's relief and desire. The will to live. The will to be whoever he wants to be. ]
[ ( It's eclipsed by the need to be whoever someone needs him to be, but he's working on that - he promises, that's the sensation that comes over). ]
[ Life in all directions that tugs over the fear, confusion, and grief that feels so compounded. A weight that will live in stomach and on his shoulders every day. It's not quite the same - the feeling of would they want him more than me? but the heavier thought he focuses on is:
Do I have the right to live?
The answer is - a long suffering, a hard-earned - yes. Because it's all a part of him. Billy and William. ]
4/5 I LIED BUT I PROMISE IT'LL BE FIVE
No.
Not entirely.
He wants to be.
He will be. For himself, if not for anyone else.
No, there are people he wants to be good for just like he wants to live for.
He won't regret those feelings. He won't regret this life.
Because he's already lost two lives to begin with.
Two lives that are now his to hold onto, that twist from two souls to one in his being.
He won't regret, because it means regretting them.
]
DONE
[ Love. ]
[ It's a lot of love for a lot of different people, but he focuses on a singular one: Goose. ]
[ Goose who is terrifying, but earnest. You know you can trust him, because he'll never say something he doesn't mean. That doesn't mean you'll like it and you don't - of course you don't, those parts of him that throw around murder like it's an every day activity. And you know it is, because Goose is earnest. ]
[ Even if you disagree, you still love this part of him. You're still awestruck at someone who can say and do what they mean so freely, when you've twisted yourself into such little knots. Who is William? Billy? Phoenix? Will you even know? Goose is Goose and that's all that matters to him.
Just like Phoenix as Phoenix is all that matters to him. ]
[ There's a pang of loss in knowing Goose had so little - in that he'll accept his fate as a murderer so easily like he won't change. That he wants him to move on, because Goose isn't good for him. ]
[ And maybe he isn't. ]
[ The thought and emotion there is fiercely that - Goose is good. Maybe not in the moral of the word, but there is so much life in him. There is spirit and will and kindness that you've been honored to see, blessed to see. Even if he'll let the rest of the world think of him as a monster. ]
[ He's not a monster. ]
I love you.
[ A quiet reinforcement, earnest and demanding and then added: ]
I don't regret meeting you. I'm so glad you're alive and when all of this is over - finding a home includes you, too. We won't let you rot alone.
[ No he can't say that. ]
I won't let you.
1/2
give is mind like, a MOMENT TO SETTLE]
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snatches hand away, catching his breath, but he's not retreating further. Lord. Imagine having that many feelings all the time, couldn't be him.
. . .
But, it did make it impossible to miss the message.
Goose huffs, his mind and emotions settling. He gives Phoenix a long stare before tentatively raising a hand. . .
And just. Patting him on the head.]
Fuck. Could have just given me a normal hug at that rate .
But I hear ya. Loud and clear.
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[ Goose pulls his hand away and the boy drops his gaze. He doesn't move away or flinch but wariness invades his bones - ]
[ Until the hand falls to his head and he flinches in surprise. ]
A hug wouldn't have made as much as a mark.
[ He retorts with that same quiet earnestness. Serious inflection in his tone as he repeats: ]
Do you hear me?
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[then a tilt of his head.]
I hear you, Phoenix.
no subject
[ a beat. ]
I'm not apologizing.
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Oooh, bad boy, so tough. I'm real hurt!
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[ as he picks up the drink he stole from goose. ]
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[gestures for drink, gimme]
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